Memories
by Matthew1972
Summary: Crossover story of Humans (Channel 4) and Merlin. Leo tries to make sense of his human status and how his brain records his memories far less efficient. Is he losing them? It is only when it encounters flashes of a previous lifetime that he meets the not-so-stranger Arthur, who may have some answers for him.


Nothing was the same any longer. His body and mind were human, every inch of him turned back to an analogue existence. It both thrilled and daunted Leo how different his brain worked since he'd woken up from his coma. Once his memories were etched on his being in crystal clear pictures of what he had seen in his life. His childhood, life with his brothers and sisters… and his father. David Elster had made him what he was… no, what he had been until he fell into a state of near death. Half human and half synthetic. Though he had felt like he'd lived more like the latter than anything else.

The images of his memories blurred along the edges. Leo felt like he should cling to them, because some were fading further than they'd ever done and it scared him. Where was he without the digital clarity of knowledge? What… or rather, who, would he become without a brain which could call back onto everything he'd seen and done?

All his life he had protected his brothers and sisters. Mia, Max, Niska and Fred had formed the core of his childhood, more so than his father and the mother he had lost when he was so young. Suicide, because they could not cope. Was it his fate too? No, he wanted to be stronger than that. And so, Leo held on to what he could remember.

His family though had sent him onto a new path, one by himself. He had to figure out who he was… in many ways like his siblings too. This new world of conscious synthetics and humans stood at opposite ends made it impossible to stick together like they'd always done. They each had different ideas on how to bridge the gap, or where they needed to be for it. They were growing up, all of them. Well, minus Fred, who had gone missing long before every other synthetic had woken up to join them in a conscious life.

Now, from where he sat today Leo felt alone. Of course he had Mattie and the Hawkins family, who'd taken him in, but it did not bring him any answers. Was he human? Well, his biology said so. Leo though had no clue what it meant for him. He considered his options. Staying gave him a roof over his head and a strange feeling of safety, one he had not felt during the years on the run. He'd always looked over his shoulder, afraid for his family. Now… even when they each went their way… he still worried for them.

In search of distraction, or maybe answers, Leo headed outside. Breathing in the fresh air send a few clouds on his mind away. Here his memories too breathed in recognition of space. No one could interrupt them as he tried to catch the ones which eluded him before. Was he losing them forever? But what if he needed them to help his brother Max? Or Mia, who lived amongst humans to seek peace for all?

Leo smiled to himself when in his mind a random memory of Niska laughed. He had not seen her so carefree since they had left home. These days she took on the world with so much courage, and anger too. Where did it come from? Was it born from the same way he felt when his kind were done an injustice by humans? The thought came with a bitter sensation of loss. He too was human now. No longer one of the only family unit he'd ever loved…

Where he sat down on a bench he hugged his arms around himself. Loneliness threatened to spill over into his memories. His family was created for giving him company. Yet for all his father had invented there were so many regrets too. Why had David Elster given up on them? Not for the first time thinking of father left him feel sombre over answers he may never learn.

The cold breeze sent a shiver over his flesh, and so Leo got up. Rather though than that his feet carried him back to the Hawkins household he followed his memories… ones which seemed new, different somehow. These had never been clear. No, because they had not been programmed into his synthetic brain, he realised. Were these blurred flashes of memories even his? They seemed ancient in a way.

Putting his hands in his pockets Leo walked across a narrow, stone bridge and into the quiet lane beyond it. Beyond the town humans came further apart… as did distractions. Leo wanted to understand these flashes of a past he knew so little of. In them someone called him an idiot, but it wasn't said in anger. Affection laced the male voice instead. Leo blinked. Again the vague image of a person faded from him in a flash of golden sunlight.

Who was he? In truth Leo no longer knew where he fitted in anymore. Max had risen to leadership and their sisters each had their cause. But he, what was he doing with his life? They had suggested he needed space to find out and Leo had half-hearted agreed. Out here in nature he could maybe figure it out? Leo paused to look back down the way he'd come. Or were the answers back there? He no longer knew anything for certain.

Perhaps he should turn back before he was missed. Did the Hawkins family even notice his absence? Mattie would, right? Leo smiled to himself for he'd grown quite fond of her. She was smart, and he owed her so much for all she'd given him; hope. Was she his answer?

* * *

Leo barely registered it when he walked on, or even why. In his mind he was riding through the woods. Horses snorted, and hooves pounded a track across the dirt road. Here the trees stood tall in a silent offer of shelter. In a blur of red someone sped passed him, laughing at him, and taunting him for being slow. "Come on." And he wished to follow, except when he blinked he stood out in the middle of an open field surrounded by hedges. How had he gotten here?

The image on his mind winked at him. Firm eyes locked on him as if from a distance he could not hope to bridge. Sadness filled his heart, like an ache he had tried to forget. Grief struck him as he breathed in the smell of him. "Arthur". His name came to him like a whisper from his brain, shattering him free from emotions which held no logic to him.

"Merlin." Someone called out to him. Leo faltered in the presence of the stranger who came to a standstill in the middle of the narrow path through the field of grass. With his hands shoved in his red coat's pockets the blonde haired, blue eyed man shook his head at him. "Took you long enough this time."

"What?!"

But where he took a step backwards the stranger closed the distance, leaving but two yards of cool air between them. His sharp gaze eyed him up. Leo felt exposed under its intensity… and yet he did not fear where it came from. Something felt eerily familiar to him about the blue eyes of scrutiny. Why was that? "Listen…" The stranger held out his hand to him as if an answer was coming forth any second now.

Having learned the hard way to be careful around humans he'd not met before Leo crossed his arms to regain some distance. "Let me pass."

"Do you even know where you're going?" The stranger grinned, "Because you never did before."

Leo huffed at him. "What's it to you?"

A flash of disappointment crossed the face before his. The man let his breath escape in a soft sigh before he raked a hand through his hair. "Listen, Merlin…"

"Not my name."

"But you remember me? You must do. Why else did you come?"

"I…" Stumped in the face of how his memories had indeed brought him here Leo blinked at the man in front of him. Nothing made sense of this meeting. It seemed planned and yet he felt far out of his depth for it should not be so. This moment in time wasn't logical, not in the least bit. Or had he missed something? Forgotten what he should not?

Afraid for what it may mean he hid his confusion behind the Leo he had been before Hester crashed the screwdriver into his head and destroyed his digital memories along with nearly his life too. Once more he was the one who'd protected his siblings no matter what cost to himself. Changing tactics from defence to offence he glared back at the man. "How?! It should not be possible for you to invade my mind. Not when I am flawed… like this." Unsure how to say it he gestured at his dressed body with a wince. No, he could not say yet that he had gotten used to losing his synthetic side, far from it.

"No", the man said with a frown. "You are an idiot, but you've never been flawed."

"Forget it." Leo set to leave, but in a flash firm hands held him put.

"Let me start again. My name is Arthur, and you… fuck, this is hard." Arthur huffed. "In our lives before this one we were close. Two sides of a coin as they said back when. This is why we keep finding each other through the centuries. Why we are here. You and I always remember what was, because of our shared destiny."

"Not always", Leo sighed. "I see glimpses of you… of us, but it's not…"

"Complete?"

"Not by a long shot."

Wordless Arthur pointed off to their left. Confused at first Leo followed his finger. He smiled when he spotted the bench stood on the edge of the field and he knew what the half-ordered request involved, an offer to talk more. "Like a first date?"

"If you'd have me."

Leo followed Arthur into his step, closing in on a bench at a slow pace. Maybe it was foolish, but he needed answers more than he wanted to be careful. It was high time he thought about himself, yes? "I am told I always do."

* * *

Though it was far from logical Leo let his hand fell into the calloused one which offered him friendship, and maybe even more. He understood the silence in Arthur better than which seemed possible. The offer of space came with a twitching knee of impatience. It was so typical a trait that he snorted… shrugging at once when Arthur eyed him up and caught him in the act. "I have not been awake long", Leo admitted at last.

"Oh?"

"I died, Arthur. As a boy, but my father saved me. You have heard of David Elster, right?"

"Sure. The creator of synthetics. I watch the news, you know."

Leo nodded. "He made me half human… half synthetic. My brain wired to never forget my childhood, the accident and everything we had to do to survive without him."

"You mean digital code written over your previous life? Like this version of you taking precedent, unyielding in technological precision, because of his inventions."

"Yeah, I suppose, but no longer. The card which used to control my brain and kept me alive got destroyed. Don't ask me how they did it, but here I am… without."

"So, you do remember me again?"

"Flashes… analogue, and vague at best. I am not sure what they are."

"They're your memories of us, Merlin."

With a deep sigh of regret Leo shook his head. The now was what he had to cling to. Not for himself alone, but for his future too… and theirs. Max, Mia and Niska needed him still whether they knew it or not. They were his family. Not by blood, but through the bond forged between them regardless. "Tell me something, because I can't walk off without knowing."

"Knowing what?"

"You are human."

"Last time I checked, yes."

"Where do you stand with synthetics? Do you fear us?"

"Us?" Arthur shook his head. "As in you haven't forgotten Leo."

"I can't." Leo leaned closer to Arthur. A part of him wanted to comfort the friend he sensed in the man by his side, but he also knew he had to be honest for both their sakes. "Arthur, please, I am long from whole in this lifetime. I am still recovering… mourning for what I lost and confused by what it is I may have gained because of it. You can't ask me to forget my part in what happened. I can't either. My memories, all of them, are mine. I am living this life regardless of the before."

"Trust me, I am not asking you to forget."

"So, answer my question then." Leo held his breath, hoping to not see fear or rejection in the eyes before his.

With a smile Arthur rested his palm on his knee, and for once Leo did not cringe at the frank closeness of another soul. "You have showed me magic once. How can I reject what is different just because I am afraid? In this life I had a mother not a father. She needed help raising me, and when his green eyes showed consciousness there was only the guardian who'd help me with homework and hid the football when I refused to play nice. I have feared others, but that can be said of humans too. I saw them beat a synth to a pulp over nothing but fear and it made me feel ill. There must be another way. They are alive as much as we are, and they deserve to be heard at least."

"True. You know, some are even better than us." Leo thought of Max with a smile. "Not all though. Others act younger, or more passionate while they learn."

"I bet." Arthur dropped his hand and took his along. "So… if you are not ready to walk with me then maybe you can allow an old friend to walk with you?"

Leo eyed him with a wry blush of growing understanding. "Friend huh?"

"For now. We can be more again later, if you want."

"One condition…"

Leo smiled when Arthur kissed the tip of his nose. "Name it."

"Fight with me?"

"For peace?"

"Equality too."

"Of course."

Relieved to have found his purpose and possible belonging in old memories of all places Leo led Arthur out of the field. "It is that way into town, I believe." He gestured down the street with his left hand.

Arthur shook his head at his confusion. Aware of his amusement Leo could only offer a shrug of recognition. So what if deep down he'd remained unchanged? Out of instinct more than anything else he deflected the remark he felt coming with a promise. "One day, when I remember, I may become your Merlin again. No sooner."

"Hmm, that's all right. I think I would like to get to know Leo first."

Ignoring the shy, but unmissably interested leer Leo huffed. "You and me both." Where he met with no answer to his gruff remark he made up his mind about which direction to turn to. "Come."


End file.
